Kids and Friendships - Supporting Social Skills Ages 5–10

Published - 7 March 2026 | Last Updated - 7 March 2026

Friendship is not a nice-to-have in childhood. They are a developmental necessity.

Research is clear: kids and friendships are deeply connected to academic performance, mental health, emotional intelligence and long-term wellbeing. Children who struggle with friendships are more likely to experience difficulties at school, feel lonely and lose confidence in themselves as social beings.

And yet, friendship is one area parents feel least equipped to help with.

You cannot choose your child's friends. You cannot force another child to include yours. You cannot follow them into the playground. What you can do is understand what is happening developmentally, recognize the signs that your child needs support, and know exactly when to step in and when to step back. This guide covers all of it.

How Friendships Change From Age 5 to 10

Kids and friendships look completely different at age 5 than they do at age 10 - and understanding this protects parents from a lot of unnecessary worry.

Robert Selman's influential developmental framework outlines five stages of friendship. During the primary school years, children move through three of them:

Age 5–7 - Playmates, Not Partners

At this stage, a friend is simply someone who is nearby and doing the same thing.

Friendships are built on proximity and shared activity. "She is my best friend" at age 5 means "we played together today." These friendships are fragile, shift constantly and are not based on mutual understanding. This is completely normal.

Age 6–9 - One-Way Assistance

Children begin to understand that friendship extends beyond the current activity — but they still think in concrete terms.

A loyal friend shows kindness through their actions. The concept of what they contribute to the friendship is still developing. Children at this stage can be hurt easily when fairness is not perfectly reciprocal.

Age 8–12 - Fair-Weather Cooperation

Children can now consider a friend's perspective alongside their own - but not concurrently.

They understand turn-taking and reciprocity, but apply them rigidly. "I helped her yesterday, so she should help me today." Friendship groups solidify shared interests. Loyalty becomes important. Exclusion starts to become a tool.

Key insight for parents - A child who announces they have "no friends" on Monday may have three best friends by Friday. This volatility is developmentally normal below age 8. Above age 9, persistent friendship difficulties deserve more attention.

What Makes a Good Friend at Primary School Age?

Children aged 5–10 consistently describe friends in the same way across cultures and research studies:

• Someone who shares - possessions, space, attention
• Someone kind and fair - does not deliberately hurt feelings
• Someone who plays what I want to play - reciprocity in activity choice
• Someone who helps me - defends me, saves me a seat, includes me
• Someone who keeps secrets - emerges strongly around age 6–7

Notice what is not on this list: deep mutual understanding, loyalty through adversity, and emotional intimacy. These come later -  in adolescence. Expecting adult-level friendship in depth from a 7-year-old is a mismatch with where they are developmentally.

Read more: Teaching Kids Empathy - how empathy develops during the school years and how parents can nurture it alongside friendship skills.

When Your Child Struggles to Make Friends

Some children find friendship effortless. Others find it genuinely, consistently, difficult. The reasons vary - and the response needs to match the reason.

Shyness and Social Anxiety

Shy children are not unfriendly; they are cautious.

They often desperately want a connection but find the approach overwhelming. What helps -

• Smaller social settings before larger ones - one playdate before a party
• Predictable social situations - same children, same environment
• Preparation: "When you get there, you could ask if they want to play..."
• Patience - do not push, narrate or rescue too quickly

Neurodivergence - ADHD and Autism

Children with ADHD often struggle with friendship because of impulsivity, emotional intensity and difficulty reading subtle social cues. Research confirms that the criteria children typically use to select friends represent significant challenges for children with ADHD.

Children on the autism spectrum may have different, not absent, social motivations. They may prefer one deep friendship to a social group or may find unstructured social situations genuinely confusing.

For both groups, explicit social coaching works better than assuming they will pick it up through observation.

When a Child Has No Friends at All

Having a close friend buffers against the consequences of peer rejection. Even one stable friendship significantly improves a child's social and emotional adjustment.

If your child has no consistent friendships by age 7-8, it is worth a conversation with the teacher - not as an alarm, but to understand what they observe in the classroom and playground. They see your child in a way you cannot.

Friendship Conflict and Fallouts -How to Support Without Taking Over

Friendship fallouts in primary school can feel catastrophic to your child. To you, they may seem trivial. Both experiences are valid.

What Not to Do

• Call the other child's parent immediately
• Tell your child that the other child is a friend
• Fix the problem yourself
• Let it go-it’s insignificant."

What Actually Helps

Listen first. Ask: "That sounds really hard. Do you feel like talking about it, or would you rather just have a hug?" Let them lead.

Reflect the feeling. "It makes sense you feel hurt. You thought they were your friends."

Ask curious questions. How do you think things looked from their perspective? This builds perspective-taking skills that serve children for life.

Coach - do not script. Help them think through what they might say, without writing their lines for them. "What do you want them to know?"

Read more: Raising Confident Kids -  how friendship resilience connects to the self-belief that helps children navigate social setbacks.

Exclusion and Unkindness -  Relational Aggression in Girls and Boys

Not all social unkindness looks like physical aggression. Relational aggression — excluding, rumour-spreading, eye rolling, controlling who is allowed in the group — is common in primary school, affects both girls and boys, and can be deeply damaging.

Signs Your Child Is Being Excluded

• Does not want to go to school without being able to name a specific reason
• Reports eating lunch alone or playing alone regularly
• Comes home dejected after school consistently
• Has stopped mentioning the children they used to talk about

Signs Your Child May Be Excluding Others

• Talks about who is "in" and "out" of their group
• Says things like, “We agreed she shouldn’t be our friend anymore."
• Shows little empathy when describing other children's distress

What to Do

For exclusion: take it seriously. Contact the teacher if it is persistent - not as a complaint, but to share what you are observing at home. Ask for their observations in school.

For excluding behaviour: address it directly but calmly. "It sounds like [child] was left out today. How do you think that made them feel? Use curiosity before correction.

Read more: Sibling Rivalry - the skills children develop managing sibling conflict directly transfer to friendship navigation.

How Parents Can Help Without Helicoptering

The goal is not to manage your child's social life. It is to build the skills and conditions that allow them to manage it themselves.

Playdates - Make Them Work

• One child at a time, especially for shy children
• Shorter is better - 90 minutes of fun beats three hours of escalating conflict
• Choose activities with natural structure: board games, baking, a shared project
• Be present enough to facilitate, but not so present that you manage everything

Social Coaching in the Car

The car is one of the best social coaching environments available to parents. Children talk more when they are not making eye contact.

After school, ask:

• "Did anyone seem excluded today?"
• "What made someone a friend today?"
• "Was there anything tricky socially?"

These are not interrogations. They are gentle invitations that, over months, build social awareness and give you a window into your child's social world.

Model Friendship Yourself

Your child learns what friendship looks like by watching you.

Talk about your own friendships. Show them you maintain relationships, repair fallouts, and invest in connections. This is more powerful than any coaching conversation.

Conclusion

Kids and friendships are complicated - and that is entirely developmentally appropriate.

The primary school years are when children are learning, for the first time, how to navigate the full complexity of human relationships. 

They will get it wrong. They will sometimes feel hurt and sometimes hurt others, experience both exclusion and being left out, and see friendships shift as best friends become rivals and rivals become close friends.

Your job is not to protect them from all of that. It is to be the calm, curious, warm presence they come home to - the person who helps them make sense of it, build resilience from it, and develop into someone who knows how to be a genuine friend.

That is the work. And it matters more than you know.

Next step: Visit our Big Kids Guide - Complete Resource for Parents Ages 4–12 for all the guides you need through the school years.

 References

The 5 Stages of Childhood Friendships - Robert Selman's Framework Boston Tutoring Services

https://bostontutoringservices.com/blog/2024/04/stages-childhood-friendships/

Friendships Among Young Children: Links with Social Behaviour, Taylor & Francis

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004430.2024.2418296/

Friendship in Children: A Research-Based Guide to Peer Relationships - Gwen Dewar, PhD, Updated December 2023. Comprehensive

https://parentingscience.com/friendship-in-children/

FAQs - Kids and Friendships

Q1: My child says they have no friends at school. Should I be worried?

It depends on their age and how persistent it is. In children under 7, "no friends" often means "I had a difficult day" - friendship is highly volatile at this age and shifts constantly. In children aged 8 and above, consistently reporting no friendships over several weeks warrants a calm conversation with the class teacher. Ask what they observe in school — they see your child in ways you cannot.

Q2: How can I help my shy child make friends?

Start small and predictable. One-to-one playdates in familiar environments are far less overwhelming than group situations. Prepare them with specific conversation starters before social events. Give them time to warm up - do not rush in and speak for them. Most shy children find their social confidence gradually through repeated low-pressure positive experiences. Pushing rarely helps.

Q3: My child is being excluded from a friendship group. What should I do?

Take it seriously without catastrophizing. Listen to their experience fully. Reflect their feelings before problem-solving. If it is persistent - multiple weeks, consistently eating alone, dreading school -  contact the teacher with your observations. 

Frame it as sharing information, not making a complaint. Ask what they see in the playground. Persistent exclusion needs adult visibility and gentle intervention.

Q4: At what age do children start having real, meaningful friendships?

Research suggests children develop increasingly sophisticated friendship understanding throughout the primary years. Around ages 8–10, friendships begin to include genuine loyalty, shared secrets and emotional intimacy - the qualities most adults associate with real friendship. 

Before this, friendships were real but more activity-based and less emotionally deep. Both are developmentally appropriate for their stage.

Q5: My child has ADHD and struggles to make friends. What can I do?

Children with ADHD often have a strong desire for connection but struggle with the social skills involved - reading cues, managing intensity, remembering to reciprocate. Explicit social coaching works better than hoping they pick it up observationally. 

Role-play specific scenarios at home. Choose structured playdates with clear activities. Work with the school on social skills support. And ensure the child's ADHD is well-managed - dysregulation makes social interactions significantly harder.

Q6: How do I know if my child is the one doing the excluding?

Signs include talking about who is in and out of their group, describing other children's feelings dismissively, using friendship as leverage ("you can only come if..."), and showing little empathy when others are upset. 

Address it directly but with curiosity rather than accusation: "It sounds like [child] was left out today - how do you think that felt for them?" Children who exclude others often manage their own insecurity or need for control. Shame rarely helps. Curious, empathetic conversation does.